Quest for appreciation at work

When I first started, the ladder towards my career seemed high and out of reach. Although I've found my feet climbing ever so slowly on its steep steps, I still haven't reached the halfway point.

It's given that I need to struggle and put in my time in the beginning to get anywhere in life but if there's a difference between and underpaid and overworked employee and a appreciated and overworked employee.

Don't you agree? If I have to put in more of my time, effort, energy and brains into a job - shouldn't I at least be rewarded for it? It's a different story if I'm a slacker and an idiot at what I do. But I work hard and make sure I make deadlines. Yes, it is my job but my philosophy is, a happy employee is a hardworking and loyal one.

Living costs have continuously risen, from food, cost of goods to gas here's a question I'm asking employers in Malaysia in this day and age - how do you expect your employees to survive on the meager salary you give them?

It's a struggle to survive. By the last two weeks of the month, I'm already starting to count every penny and by the last week, I have to depend on others so I can get myself to work.

Most Malaysians will continue to work hard for so little, my point is - say something, we can justify our daily costs and they do not match up with our salaries. Know your worth! These cheapskate companies continue to survive and excel at your cost, taking advantage of your talent and time.

And at the end of it all, who profits? Definitely not you. Move up and claim whats yours. You're not being unreasonable, you're getting what you deserve.

Any good company will realise this and understand the rising costs. A cheap one will turn a blind eye and keep exploiting you beyond your limits.

Remember, they need you as much as you need them.

As for me, I'm moving to a different company. And I really hope they share my philosophy. Lets just hope I climb further up the ladder in my quest for appreciation!

As I always joke, I picked the wrong field to make money. I'm in this for the satisfaction of reaching out to an audience and trying to make a difference in print.

I walk alone

When I close my eyes, I vaguely remember the stinging wind that left my cheeks tingling and my fingers numb; the rough feel of my favorite green wool coat and slight itchiness of my scarf wound tightly around my neck.

The stars shone bright above as I stood in the darkness of the deserted playground. The swings swung eerily, pushed by the night’s strong breeze – moving back and forth with the unpredictable rhythm of the wind.

Faint lights from the buildings nearby glowed with distinct warmth, leaving my heart cold and somehow empty.

As I took a seat on the swing, a gush of warmth radiated through my face, a tear falls down the slope of my cheek.

In the dark playground, my feet pushed off the damp ground. The painful sound of creaking chains of the swing filled my ears as I swayed back and forth in the chilly winter air – tear after tear freely flowed down my face.

Before I knew it, the see-saw, the slides and the apartments nearby blackened into the void that consumed my mind. There was silence in the air.

My fingers clenched the cold chains and my body shook limply with every sob I tried to hold back.

A face, him and I standing in the same playground as he gently pushed the hair out of my face, a plane taking off into the horizon, angry words, cold and resolute eyes as he turned away, his back fading into the night.

With every thought running through my mind in succession and in endless and painful repetition, I had never felt so alone and so broken.

My eyes open. The uncomfortable and sticky breeze rushed through my open window, blowing the ashes from my cigarette into me.

The delicate leaves of the tree outside swayed back and forth, showing glimpses of the windows of the neighbouring houses.

A curtain draws back, revealing a warm yellow light. Dogs bark and then silence ring through my ears.

I sit engulfed within the darkness of my room. The familiar sensation of wetness touched my cheeks. My body begins to heave in ragged succession as my hand attempts to cover the sobs.

My mind has stepped into dangerous territory – into memories I had tried so hard to run away from.

Anger, pain, frustration and sadness fill the empty void I had painstakingly tried to fill with short-lived happiness.

It seemed like just yesterday, a smile stretched my lips and the warmth of his body pressed into mine, holding me close as he whispered his love into my ear.

Now there is only emptiness, everywhere I looked I yearn for what is lost. His smile, his voice, his reassuring touch and embrace was gone.

In a blink of an eye, I was back on that swing I thought I had left three years ago. In a different country, miles away from the many scenes of pain, I was neck-deep into the familiar pangs of loss.

His face flashed in front of me – the harsh shadows of his face mingled with the desperate rays of light from the streetlight nearby.

His eyes looked into mine but somehow, they were looking in the wrong places. He no longer saw the person he fell in love with.

I had become a mere stranger, a burden he needed to unload.

I could see myself shrink back as my eyes searched his for the love he had given, declared and stood up for. Nothing was left, not even a trace.

My heart ached as the words I had hoped not to hear passed through his lips. The man sitting next to me was no longer mine. He was as distant as the loves that I had lost in my ongoing battle for happiness.

My mind cried out for justice, my body trembled in sadness and my being bubbled with anger. With several simple yet hurtful words that managed its way out of my mouth, the door slammed and I drove into the night – the seat next to me empty and my heart broken in two.

No matter how much I give, love and try, I find myself back at this moment. The moment when he walks away without remorse and emotion, leaving me alone to pick up the broken pieces of my heart.

I’m broken… once again.

The road that I had pictured in front of me is no longer there. The series of events I had happily planned vanished and I saw myself gasping for air, calling out for help with no one there, except the only being I could count on in the seemingly never-ending existence of my life – loneliness.

His cold embrace suffocated me and his indifferent gaze left my heart empty.

I am left to pick myself up, every single shattered piece of my heart lay at my feet.

This time, I leave the broken pieces on the floor and walk on. I tell myself there is no next time. The empty void cannot be filled when happiness was not mine.

This time, I walk alone.