I am homeless

I write about homes for a living. Big ones, small ones and some that are just nice. And as I write through every article, a line crops up every time. It has been abused and used to its limit - home is where the hearth is.

However, as I type those words over and over again. When I stop to think about it, I realise that they are just words on a screen to me. I may write about the warmth, ambiance and a cozy atmosphere of a home but I've only caught glimpses of those moments - because for me, I have no idea where home is.

I spent most of my life in a place I thought was home. Everything around me was so familiar - places and people. I could close my eyes and walk around and know where I was. It was the place where my life grew and took shape. From disappointment to disappointment, swinging myself into a lull in a dark playground, to the happier moments when I walked the streets with a perpetual smile on my face - Portland was the only place I thought I truly knew and could call home.

But now...

I have no idea where I belong. For four years I've been living in my "hometown". To most, an instant feeling of warmth and recognition floods the senses and they can truly say, "it's good to be home."

But somehow, even after four years, I still feel like a stranger in my own land. Although certain places and faces have become familiar over the years, something still feels missing. I still feel out of place.

When I think back to Portland, somehow that didn't seem like home either. I used to get excited at the thought of going back. I could imagine myself relishing every moment, going to all my old haunts.

But now...

Neither of the homes I know of is truly home sweet home. Neither of those places conjures up a feeling of belonging. As I stand in the middle and look to each side, I am hesitant to take a step in either direction and claim it as my own.

Even though I drive around and about, go out, laugh and eat with my loved one and friends, I feel hollow and lost... I think, how nice it would be to be able to truly call a place home.

For now, this is what I know. Home is neither here or there. I'll always be that outsider looking in, even in the place where I was born.