I walk alone

When I close my eyes, I vaguely remember the stinging wind that left my cheeks tingling and my fingers numb; the rough feel of my favorite green wool coat and slight itchiness of my scarf wound tightly around my neck.

The stars shone bright above as I stood in the darkness of the deserted playground. The swings swung eerily, pushed by the night’s strong breeze – moving back and forth with the unpredictable rhythm of the wind.

Faint lights from the buildings nearby glowed with distinct warmth, leaving my heart cold and somehow empty.

As I took a seat on the swing, a gush of warmth radiated through my face, a tear falls down the slope of my cheek.

In the dark playground, my feet pushed off the damp ground. The painful sound of creaking chains of the swing filled my ears as I swayed back and forth in the chilly winter air – tear after tear freely flowed down my face.

Before I knew it, the see-saw, the slides and the apartments nearby blackened into the void that consumed my mind. There was silence in the air.

My fingers clenched the cold chains and my body shook limply with every sob I tried to hold back.

A face, him and I standing in the same playground as he gently pushed the hair out of my face, a plane taking off into the horizon, angry words, cold and resolute eyes as he turned away, his back fading into the night.

With every thought running through my mind in succession and in endless and painful repetition, I had never felt so alone and so broken.

My eyes open. The uncomfortable and sticky breeze rushed through my open window, blowing the ashes from my cigarette into me.

The delicate leaves of the tree outside swayed back and forth, showing glimpses of the windows of the neighbouring houses.

A curtain draws back, revealing a warm yellow light. Dogs bark and then silence ring through my ears.

I sit engulfed within the darkness of my room. The familiar sensation of wetness touched my cheeks. My body begins to heave in ragged succession as my hand attempts to cover the sobs.

My mind has stepped into dangerous territory – into memories I had tried so hard to run away from.

Anger, pain, frustration and sadness fill the empty void I had painstakingly tried to fill with short-lived happiness.

It seemed like just yesterday, a smile stretched my lips and the warmth of his body pressed into mine, holding me close as he whispered his love into my ear.

Now there is only emptiness, everywhere I looked I yearn for what is lost. His smile, his voice, his reassuring touch and embrace was gone.

In a blink of an eye, I was back on that swing I thought I had left three years ago. In a different country, miles away from the many scenes of pain, I was neck-deep into the familiar pangs of loss.

His face flashed in front of me – the harsh shadows of his face mingled with the desperate rays of light from the streetlight nearby.

His eyes looked into mine but somehow, they were looking in the wrong places. He no longer saw the person he fell in love with.

I had become a mere stranger, a burden he needed to unload.

I could see myself shrink back as my eyes searched his for the love he had given, declared and stood up for. Nothing was left, not even a trace.

My heart ached as the words I had hoped not to hear passed through his lips. The man sitting next to me was no longer mine. He was as distant as the loves that I had lost in my ongoing battle for happiness.

My mind cried out for justice, my body trembled in sadness and my being bubbled with anger. With several simple yet hurtful words that managed its way out of my mouth, the door slammed and I drove into the night – the seat next to me empty and my heart broken in two.

No matter how much I give, love and try, I find myself back at this moment. The moment when he walks away without remorse and emotion, leaving me alone to pick up the broken pieces of my heart.

I’m broken… once again.

The road that I had pictured in front of me is no longer there. The series of events I had happily planned vanished and I saw myself gasping for air, calling out for help with no one there, except the only being I could count on in the seemingly never-ending existence of my life – loneliness.

His cold embrace suffocated me and his indifferent gaze left my heart empty.

I am left to pick myself up, every single shattered piece of my heart lay at my feet.

This time, I leave the broken pieces on the floor and walk on. I tell myself there is no next time. The empty void cannot be filled when happiness was not mine.

This time, I walk alone.